Monday, May 30, 2005


So, it was a weddilicious weekend. On Friday, we kicked off the festivities with Rocko's bachelor party. Nobody took off their clothes. T$ and I couldn't drag a group of men to Nudes Nudes Nudes - what is this world coming to?!? Rocko and I performed a fierce Sweet Child of Mine. T$ and I sang an excruciatingly long Total Eclipse of the Heart. In the immortal words of Randy Jackson, "It was a little pitchy." Actually, I do believe we just screamed our way through it. Some dude at the bar tried to pick me up with the line, "Black is your color, beautiful." Now THAT is even worse than last weekend's lines. T$ shouted, "Is he saying you're fat?"
Saturday was the mall trip from hell. We will never speak of Saturday again.
Sunday: On the car ride to the reception (after a beautiful outdoor ceremony during which Rocko snorted....chortled is more like it) I had to remind T$ of a conversation we all had on Friday night. She couldn't remember any of the details and replied totally deadpan, "I drink." And so, a new catchphrase is born.....

Thursday, May 26, 2005

seriously, will this week ever end?

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Nick and Jessica's Tour of Duty

You KNOW you watched it too. There were so many things I loved about this show. A few highlights:
1. Jessica singing "Aaaa Eh Aeiiiiaaaa" (the all-vowel version of God Bless America)
2. Nick screaming like a little girl when he takes a ride in the fighter jet.
3. N & J pretending they still like each other, even when Nick sings his new song that's all about breaking up with his wife.
4. Jessica singing "These Boobs are Made for Walking" (duet with Willie Nelson). She takes a stab at singing consonants this time - just the wrong ones. I don't know how Willie could have kept a straight face.

Friday, May 20, 2005

my 4th grade boyfriend is a meathead

Really. My sister just emailed me a picture, and his neck is as thick as my waist. That's okay, he was my first boyfriend ever and parted with these words, "Why did you cut your hair? I liked it long."

He didn't set the bar high.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

britney spears made me sick

I don't even know what to say about that. seriously.

I got nothing.

speechless. I may vomit now.

monday night tv

Last night's Bachelor finale was tough.

So tough. Man, I was not looking forward to this. It's tough, you know? Breaking up with one of the two girls I've been dating is gonna be tough. This is tough. So tough.

Shut the fuck up already Charlie.

BTW - Did anyone see my ex-boyfriend on Leno last night? He's much cooler in person. I swear.

Monday, May 16, 2005

worst pick up lines ever

Friday night, pool hall
My pool cue in hand, waiting for my turn, I notice the approach from across the room.

Boy: "I just bought you girls a round of drinks."
Me (to myself): Do you want me to take off my shirt now, or later?
Me (out loud): "Umm..thanks?"
Boy: "How old are you?"
Me (to myself) Strike Two
Me (out loud): "You've got to be kidding."
Boy: "Let me guess....23?"
Me: "Not quite."

It took hours to shake this smooth talker - partly because I hate to be rude, partly because I felt guilty about the round of drinks. Needless to say, I chose to stay in the rest of the weekend.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005


Items you will not find in a Carniceria:
A Mother's Day card in English

Items you will find:
A surprisingly thorough array of Boone's Farm
Shoes, conveniently located next to the canned meat

Things I am currently obsessed with....

Spontaneous Human Combustion
The Lost City of Atlantis
German Penguins that are (reportedly) Gay
Sacred Geometry

Thanks, New Job. Thanks for making me crazier than I already am.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Yee Haw and a Return to the Real World

My 3 decade year old body is aching. It all started with a last-minute road trip to Etna CA for the rodeo. I had never been to a rodeo before, so how could I pass up the opportunity to wear the cowboy hat I purchased in Texas on my way across the country last November? I learned a few new words:
1. Mutton Busting - this is when kids as young as three years old grab onto the back of a sheep and ride him until they are bucked off into the dirt. These kids have balls.
2. Saddle Cow - here's where an adult puts a saddle on a cow, rides it until bucked off, and then he and a partner must grab the saddle off the cow and run it back into the shoot.
3. Rescue Ride - one person riding bareback must ride up to a partner standing at the other end of the arena. The rider must then hoist the partner onto the back of the horse and both ride bareback to the other end of the arena. This looked painful for everyone's back.
4. Team Rope - one guy on horseback must rope the horns of a calf while the other guy on horseback must rope the hind legs of the same calf. WHILE CALF IS RUNNING. How the hell they did it, I don't know.

Of course, there were Bull Riders. Only 1 out of 14 bull riders stayed on for 8 seconds. He got a score of 74. I heard all about the only perfect score (100) in bull riding, and somebody I met up there in Etna is sending me footage of it so I can see what a perfect ride looks like. My favorite event was the Wild Bronc Riding. This event was done first with a saddle and then bareback. The riders had to keep their legs above the horse's shoulders when they left the shoot, so three limbs are a-flying the entire time.

I was definitely born in the wrong part of the country or the wrong era. I loved the entire scene. Add some fine cowboys, a town dance, a parade, and three nights of hard-core drinking and darts and it added up to a good ol' time! The only suck-ass part was arriving home at 5am this morning only to have to report to my first day at the new job at 9am. Sleep now......

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